I am, these last few weeks, living with all my emotions only one cell layer deep below my skin. I've been walking around in that place of all joy or all sadness, like in grief when there are no shadings to anything but black and white, happy or sad, confused or asleep. The move could not have gone better, the house could not be sweeter, the neighbours kinder. It has been like walking through a dream where every thing slips into place when you tap twice and wave your hands. There's magic in these here fingers; tell me your wishes and I'll make 'em come true.
But there is the sad, too: India crying and crying that she misses Canada, me finally having a house of my own but without sisters and a momma to bring over for coffee; all the missing; I still don't have a phone. And this weekend I was sick. Caught somewhere between sick as a dog and on death's doorway - maybe more like two blocks away than his doorway, but still, I could smell him from where I lay and it was awful. I spent hours curled like a peeled shrimp in the bottom of my tub trying to stay warm in the hottest water I could get until it drained through a leak somewhere and I filled it again until I ran it cold, but still I was shaking so much that I thought I might snap something. It was not fun. I wanted my momma. I wanted a friend I knew. I wanted to pick up the phone and have someone take me to the hospital, but I don't have health insurance until the first of the month so I toughed it out and India watched movies and played with the neighbour's friends' kids for an hour at the park and I still don't know who they were, but God bless them good.
But, John McPhee is coming to my class for a question and answer in September (hahahahahahahah. I know), the people here are knock-you-over-in-amazement friendly, my classes are going to be a-freaking-mazing and India's been invited to two birthday parties already. We are swimming around in thick goodness here. I feel blessed; I feel lonely as hell; I feel anchored; I feel worried as all get out; I feel brave.
And that's it. The way it goes. And right now, tonight, it is very good.
9 comments:
It's really hard to be so far away from your family, for the first time, and in a new place. Eventually you make friends that have to be the substitute family. Hope you find yours soon. Enjoy the good stuff, and take some good notes for me. Okay?
thanks, janna. i've heard about this substitute family business and i'm hot on the trail. or maybe that's just my fever. it's not my first time living away from my family so that helps - i know how it'll go, but still, the missing is always the same, hey?
and, i will surly take notes for you, my southern friend.
Don't take surly notes; take exuberant ones. ;o)
So, so sorry you were sick. Wish I could've come over with chicken soup and blankets.
John McPhee, whoopee! Enjoy.
ha! thanks, deanna.
miss you, wish you were here
CALL ME
caroline
Hey Ang... I love to read your blogs, And it makes me feel like you are still here, even though we never saw much of eachother when you were here,... there is something about knowing what is going on in others lives that makes you feel connected. I love the raw emotion, and I understand every inch of it. I am glad the neighbours are kind and generous, it will ease your passage for the next while. Take care, Love your cuz, Genesse
Well I hope a letter the good old fashioned way will help anna wants to send you two a letter what would your address be? I hope you are feeling better love you lots kim
So good to hear how Angela Christine is doing. Hopefully by now you are fully recovered and immersed in your studies. I look forward to the next set of miracles you can rejoice in like finding the wonderful friend you will meet. And being both awed and grateful for all that had to come together in your lives to meet.
such writing....
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